#25: Magic! - Rude
Rude became more and more insufferable with time, with its agonizing lyrics of a forbidden love, it's wanna-be reggae spirit, and a semi-awkward use of the word rude throughout the song. I mean... who really says rude that much anyways? Especially in the younger generation. Sure, we all know what it means, but would you say "why you gotta be so rude?" if a dad told you to stay away from his daughter?
#24: Beyonce ft. Jay-Z - Drunk In Love
We get it Beyonce. You're passionately in love with Jay-Z and your sex life hasn't died down even with a baby in the picture. That's no reason to make us listen to you making god awful innuendos about surf boards. I've never cared for Beyonce personally, but this new album is the most I've actively disliked her.
#23: Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown - Main Chick
DJ Mustard makes his first appearance on my list, (he's the producer, if you're unfamiliar) but I'll save some of my many gripes with him for later in the countdown. Trust me, I'll have plenty of opportunities. "Main Chick" is essentially a replication of the earlier single "Show Me". Both come from the same album, the same artists, and... you get the point. When you're that lazy, it's just a shame that people still continue to consume it.
#22: Echosmith - Cool Kids
Echosmith aren't a talentless group, and I don't want you to think that's what I'm getting at. Hell, I enjoyed a few tunes from that Talking Dreams record. But here's the problem with their hit "Cool Kids". It's as bland and lifeless as you can get. The singer sounds emotionless as she forces out shitty lines we've all heard a million times like "I wish that I could be like the cool kids, cuz all the cool kids they seem to fit in." To add to it's woes, the instrumentation is flat and mundane. It's a shame that THIS is the song that took off for this group.
#21: Becky G - Shower
Becky G is no stranger to my list, making an appearance on last year's Worst Songs of 2013 list. Besides the cringe worthy amounts of the word 'ya' and the horrible lyricism that feels like it was written by a 10 year old that's listened to nothing but teen love songs all her life, this song feels absolutely STALE. The instrumental isn't 'catchy' or memorable, which is probably why it had such a short lifespan on the charts. Looks like Becky's gonna need a shower to wash this stain off of her already sloppy career.
#20: Future ft. Kanye West - I Won
While the rest of the world seemed to be focused on butts in 2014, Future and Kanye were too busy discussing trophies to even notice. Can somebody get me an exact count of how many times the word trophy was used in this recording? Future's auto-tuned vocals are obviously a huge minus, but add in a couple of grown men chatting like 4th graders about their 'trophies', aka their women, and you've got a terrible track on your hands.
#19: Jeremih ft. YG - Don't Tell Em
SIGH. Why must we subjected to more of this? DJ Mustard, the official producer of YG, rears his ugly production once again on the smash hit "Don't Tell Em". Sound like several other songs you've heard this year? Yeah, that's what I thought. Educate yourself American. We're gonna keep getting dumb music unless we demand a change.
#18: Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne & Tyga - Loyal
As Lil Wayne's career gets closer and closer to rock bottom, we get this collaboration with the foul mouthed, easily angered domestic abuser Chris Brown. It's clear the man hasn't changed at all, and if you believe all of the celebrity 'apologies' that happen, then you're naive. Granted, that has nothing do with the song, so I'll say this. You wanna hear a group of guys talking shit about women and say n***a for 4 minutes? Didn't think so. ON TO THE NEXT ONE!
#17: ILOVEMAKONNEN ft. Drake - Tuesday
People are actually loving this song. Should I be shocked? Probably not, but it's just another prime example of a mindless club song that somehow blew up. Will we ever hear from ILOVEMAKONNEN again? I highly doubt it, unless Drake decides to make this auto-tuned douchebag his new protege. Hopefully this dude's career takes a dive off a cliff, on a Tuesday.
#16: Iggy Azalea ft. MØ - Beg For It
Copy and paste. That seems like the function of the year for rappers, and pop artists in general. Iggy Iggy had a huge hit with "Fancy", so why not re-release her album and include another one key at a time synth driven track with a different, yet somehow almost the same, pop artist to sing the chorus. Iggy thinks she's in control thanks to 'pussy power', her words not mine, and makes her man of choice beg for her attention. Is that really what the feminist movement is about? Withholding sex from your partner so that you get what you want? I hate the world sometimes, I really do.
#15: Pitfull ft. John Ryan - Fireball
Pitbull gets his western saloon style ready, and shoots and misses big time once again. It's no secret that I hate Pitbull and everything he stands for, so it's no surprise that one of his songs is making it's way on to my worst songs list. He said it himself, he doesn't put effort in to what he does. He keeps things purposely simplistic and downright dumb. I'll never respect any artist that basically looks at the music industry as a goldmine.
#14: Bobby Shmurda - Hot N***a
This isn't racist, it just needs to be said. Hell, even a few very respectable black men in power have said it. But when will younger black men stop thinking that a life of drinking, drugs, women, and drive-by's is the ultimate goal in life? If you watch the music video and listen to this song, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not just blacks OF COURSE, there are so many worthless white artists and artists of other races that feel the exact same way. This year, it just happened to be Bobby Shmurda that made the song that got me pissed off. Strive for something more, and that goes out to all the artists on this list.
#13: Rae Sremmurd - No Flex Zone
This is the point in making this list where I really start getting frustrated. the fact that the rest of these songs are just so OFFENSIVELY bad. On "No Flex Zone", we get to listen to some no name teen talk a huge game, say a bunch of things that kids just shouldn't be saying, and not hit puberty. Can't wait to see where this guy ISN'T 5 years down the road.
#12: Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz - Talk Dirty
Jason Derulo went from making "heartfelt" love jams to a bunch of songs about sex rather quickly. And for some mind-boggling reason, that's proven to be an extremely successful move for his career that was starting to lose traction. 2 Chainz comes and delivers a laughable as usual verse, and then the honking and clunky chorus rolls back around to remind us that a song CAN be annoying in every facet of its existence.
#11: Will.i.am ft. Miley Cyrus - Feelin' Myself
This track came out slightly too late to make last year's countdown, so you better believe I put on on this year's, if for nothing but to make an example of it. By now we all know that DJ Mustard is fucking terrible, and it's a given that will.i.am doesn't fall far behind. Put the 2 on a track together and throw in some laughable guest appearance from Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and (gag) French Montana, and you've got something terrible on your hands. Will.i.am had about as much to do with this song as a bro-country artist does with writing his/her songs. That means almost none, get with the program people!
#10: Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass
I went on a rant about this song not all that long ago, and for, I believe, very good reason. Okay, say I can look past this song's childish nature, it's annoying vocal presentation, and writing. It's the LYRICS and Trainor's personality that irk me to no end. As I said in my rant, she essentially discredits a healthy lifestyle, shames skinny "bitches" (we all know you aren't kidding when you say it like that), and further promotes the mindset that we're all inherently wonderful. Bullshit. You have to work every day to better yourself, and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply wrong. Some people who are overweight can't help it. It doesn't make you a bad person if you are. But facts are facts. Obesity is a PROBLEM and unless you want to put yourself at risk for heart disease and a long list of other problems, maybe you should take advice from your doctor rather than Meghan fucking Trainor.
#9: Ty Dollar Sign ft. The Weeknd & Wiz Khalifa - Or Nah
Is we turning this awful collaboration that's all about asking for sex and degrading women off, or nah? Rappers, please stop making songs based on vine trends, you know no one will ever really respect you. Tupac would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what the mainstream "rap" genre has come to.
#8: Nicki Minaj - Anaconda
If Tupac was rolling in his grave for that last song, then he's doing summer-salts from this abomination from Nicki Minaj. And the worst part about it? There's still 7 songs that I feel are even worse than this nightmare of a tune. It borrows from Sir-Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back", and is all about butts and "anacondas", which is apparently supposed to be be a clever disguise for male genitalia. It's not. Minaj is supposedly a feminist, yet she raps about sex nonstop, and talks of how she let some random dude fuck her because he sold cocaine. THIS is your role model teenage girls? REALLY? If being a drug dealer is attractive to you, then you need to re-evaluate your entire life. I hate Minaj, I despise this song, and if you like good music, I'm sure you feel the same way.
#7: Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg - Wiggle
The hook on this song is played with a recorder. It's another song about butts. The lyrical content doesn't even try to be clever, and the production will make you want to rip your hair out ever time you're in a friends car, and they don't change the station when this comes on the radio.
#6: Fergie - LA Love (La La)
Fergie is finally back as a solo artist, not that anyone was demanding it, and she's proved with this new song that... she went to elementary school. Fergie goes down an agonizingly long list of cities and countries, and tells them all to say "la la la la la". Fuck you Fergie. For making this absolutely horrid track, that would be horrible no matter who produced it. But you just HAD to throw some salt in the wound and throw Mustard on the beat, hoe.
#5: Jennifer Lopez ft. Iggy Azalea
This is a PSA for Jennifer Lopez. Iggy, you can feel free to listen in as well. Jennifer, you're 45 years old, acting like a rebellious teen with daddy issues. You made an entire song about "booty" because that's what's popular this year. I hope you feel good about yourself, for being a mindless slave to trends because you don't feel like your music could sell anymore without some sort of gimmick, and for the example you're setting for not only your kids, but for kids all over the world. Keep your clothes on kids, please.
#4: Play-N-Skillz ft. Lil Jon, Redfoo, & Enertia McFly - Literally I Can't
The makers of this song came under a LOT of fire after releasing this misogynistic party jam that centers around telling frat girls to "shut the fuck up". They quickly said "oh it's a joke please don't take this the wrong way!". Riiiiight. This song is PAINFUL to listen to. I only managed to make it all the way through twice, and that was just so I could reassure how high it would chart on this list.
PS, Lil Jon, you're over 40. Maybe it's time to stop hanging out at college parties.
#3: Big Sean ft. E-40 - I Don't Fuck With You
Big Sean attempts to get revenge on an ex-girlfriend by making the worst wanna-be anthem of the year. What a clever lyricist you are, Big Sean. Writing lines like "I don't fuck with you, you lil stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you". Wow, what a mature way to handle a breakup. Doesn't at all sound like a 4th grader that just learned to curse making a song! And thank the lord DJ Mustard came in to save the day to make sure the beat sounded like every other generic piece of shit on the radio, phew!
...I hope everyone's sarcasm detectors are going off big time, for the record.
#2: Fifth Harmony - Bo$$
Fifth Harmony tries to channel the attitude and glamour of earlier girl groups like The Pussycat Dolls and Destiny's Child, but fall so flat on their faces that they create a black hole of suck...suction I mean. Suction so powerful that I was almost convinced I had slipped into an alternate universe where only the most contrived and idiotic music exists; a place full of Fifth Harmony and their constant references to Michelle Obama, because apparently she's the only woman with any power in this country. I slipped back into reality and realized that I was the one in control of the play button, therefore the boss. I immediately shut down the song, and never listened again. THE END.
#1: Gwen Stefani - Spark the Fire
Gwen, sweetheart, you're having a mid-life crisis. Adding a bunch of weird animation to your music video and sing-rapping about starting fires doesn't make you any less of a 45 year old woman. This song leaked the last week of November, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It's been almost 10 years since Stefani put out a solo LP, and after hearing lead single "Baby Don't Lie" from her comeback album, I was wishing that her solo career had stayed dormant. But no, Gwen had to spark things up, and put out not only the worst song of 2014, but possibly one of the worst songs I've ever heard from a mainstream artist. I cringe as Gwen chants "Hey get off my cloud", with Pharrell Williams shouting pointless obscurities in the background of the song. If the point of this song is to get played at the club at 2AM when everyone is so wasted that they don't even know what they're listening to, then mission accomplished. If this was an honest attempt at making a pop song, then let's break this thing down. You've got a horrible instrumental, complete with messy synths and bass, some of the worst songwriting I've ever seen, speaking of "Omg omg and LOL's", and an overall desperate feeling that sees Stefani clamoring to stay relevant by using lots of slang and abbreviations to target herself at the teenage demographic. Go home Gwen Stefani, you're not just drunk, you've lost your mind.
No comments:
Post a Comment