TOP 50 SONGS OF 2014! (ARTV)

50: Waves - Sleeper Agent

- This alternative group caught my eye back in 2011 with their debut effort Celabrasion, but their most focused and cohesive work to date came in the single "Waves". Led by a super melodic guitar and figure-me-out styled lyrics, this track is sure to get in your head for days on end.

49: The Negative One - Slipknot

- Slipknot burst back onto the scene with this aggressive track, filled with hatred, anger, and a ferocious performance by vocalist Corey Taylor. Turntables, big riffs, and emotive screamed vocals. Classic Slipknot material right here.

48: Gooey - Glass Animals

- "How odd" was probably a thought that crossed my mind when  heard "Gooey" for the first time. It's weird how certain tracks have a longevity about them. I think "Gooey"'s staying power comes in it's clean and almost mysterious production, along with the intriguing higher pitched vocals. Hear it for yourself, you'll see!

47: I Have A Problem - Beartooth
 
- Like I was saying, the shelf life of a track, or an album, is an odd thing sometimes. You guys know thoroughly enjoyed Beartooth's album "Disgusting", but this track is one of the only ones that truly stuck with me over the months. Caleb Shomo gives a borderline psychotic vocal performance, crying out in fear and shame about how drinking has affected his life and everything around him.


46: Movie - Hoodie Allen
 
- Movie plays out like a sweet and somewhat cocky short film, packed full with, you guessed it, references to popular movies, both old and new. The instrumental sounds slightly like a tribute to older material from Maroon 5, and Hoodie totally makes it work.


45: I Wanna Get Better - Bleachers
 
- Disappointed as I may have been with Strange Desire, lead-off single "I Wanna Get Better" is a total blast of alt-rock joy in my book. Jack Antonoff's storytelling skills hit an all time high on this track, and it's music video suits it almost perfectly.


44: Kathleen - Catfish & the Bottlemen
 
- Who is this Kathleen, and why is she giving this band so many problems? Catfish & the Bottlemen unleash their angst on this straight forward rock jam that feels like something I might've heard on the radio in the mid-2000's. And anyone who knows me is aware that I am more than okay with that.


43: Best Friend - Foster the People
 
- Admittedly, this track feels like it might've been more at home on their debut album Torches, but I still can't resist this one's charm. Initially, I interpreted this fun pseudo upbeat jam to be about a friend and drug use, but Mark Foster has clarified and said that "Best Friend" is about his writers block and the struggle to come up with new material. Who would've thought that subject matter would make for such a peppy tune? 

42: Like a Stranger - Kitten 
 
- You might recall I discussed this Kitten record with Anthony Fantano of The Needle Drop back in June, which was definitely an honor. "Like a Stranger" has stood the test of time, and does the 80s oh so well. You had a little bit of fun listening to this track, admit it!

41: Sunny Days & Hand Grenades - Chiodos
 
- Chiodos gained back original singer Craig Mabbit, and returned with an extremely surprising album called Devil last spring. This track in particular has always struck me as unique, meshing together their usual theatrics with a more aggressive guitar tone. You can probably thank new guitarist, Thomas Erak, for that.

40: Sleepwalking - The Chaingang of 1974
 
- I've always had a not-so-secret crush on the synth line in the famed Killers track "Somebody Told Me", and "Sleepwalking" is the first track I've heard in a long time to bring something similar to the table. No, that's not the only reason I'm enjoying this track, but it's sure as hell a factor! The guitar helps shape up this track, and the seemingly distraught vocals only add to this songs dark appeal for me.

39: Sparklers - Gemini Club
 
- Huge crunchy synthesizers roll all over this track from up and coming group Gemini Club, churning and burning their way to the finish line. You can't deny that catchy sing-a-long chorus either. If you like this one, be sure to check out more of their stuff!

38: Left Hand Free - Alt J
 
- Regardless of what this song is actually about, I get a blissful feeling every time I hear it, and it never gets old to me. Guns, girls, and garage rock, geez whiz! Sure, it's the least 'alt-j' sounding track they've ever released, but sometimes it's good to experiment, right?

37: My Desire - Interpol
 
- Daniel Kessler sure knows how to hook something with his guitar playing. I've always been interested in his often reverb filled performances, that can haunt but also entertain. It helps that Paul Banks gives his best and most emotive vocal performance on El Pintor on this track, but Kessler certainly blazes the trail.

36: Waking Light - Beck
 
- Beck created something magical on the final track of his fantastic record Morning Phase. The song gives the feeling of stepping outside into the warm sunlight, and continues its embrace with it's airy and approachable appeal. The guitar solo during the outro is pure ecstacy, and it was a no-brainer to include this on my best of list.

35: Ouija Board - Chevelle
 
- Chevelle took an aggressive approach with the opening track on their latest record, taking their style they're known for and revving it up to full throttle. This is the most involved and passionate I've seen singer-guitarist Pete Loeffler since the Sci-Fi Crimes era. 

34: A Perfect World - Broken Bells
 
- "A Perfect World", a perfect opening. Immerse yourself into the world of Broken Bells. This is one spaced out alternative ride, but it's more than worth its admission ticket.

33: Foolish Father - Weezer
 
- Rivers Cuomo is finally at peace with not only his father, but really himself as a songwriter. All that had been building up throughout the new record culminated  in this powering cut that soars as close to the sun as Weezer did in their glory days. Huge shout-out to the children's choir that came in and added that extra pizazz, it really helped knock things out of the park. 

32: Peninsula - Dinosaur Pile-up
 
- This group might not be on your radar, but listen to "Peninsula" and you'll see why they should be. This power-punk leaning rocker could get any crowd pumped up with its vibrant chant along chorus, which is eventually capped off with a monster of a guitar solo and some really interesting vocal harmonies.

31: Yellow Flicker Beat - Lorde
 
- Have you guys noticed that I'm a fan of pretty much everything this girl has done? I honestly can't think of one song that she's done that I dislike. "Yellow Flicker Beat" served as the anthem for the new Hunger Games film, and it did its job well. In no way do you need to be a fan of those movies to enjoy this dark yet danceable tune. It's got enough wit and charm to stand on its own, if only it would attract the same kind of attention that her first singles did.

30: Someone New - BANKS
 
- This song genuinely surprised me. No, I didn't picture it as a year end contender when I reviewed Banks' album, yet here we are. This track sells the emotional post break-up sadness better than any other slow ballad in 2014, and I'll let you know why. Banks doesn't feel the need to be pushy or powerful with her voice, she lets herself comes across vulnerable, and that's why it feels genuine.

29: Action Cat - Gerard Way
 
- Sure enough, Way's comeback track grew on me more and more over the weeks. I've had other favorites from his debut solo LP, but this one ended up taking the cake. Grimy vocals almost get buried under the noisiness of the guitars and drums, but not in a way that detracts from the musical value of action cat. It's lyrics also ring true, speaking of things we want, but really just don't need, if we're being honest.

28: Midnight - Coldplay 
 
- I could kick myself for dismissing this track as middle of the road nonsense when I first heard and reviewed it. Granted, it wasn't until Ghost Stories was released that this track truly made sense to me, but once it clicked, it got me right in the feels. This track sees a former love, and the hope that came with that relationship, fleeting into the night. It gives me chills with each listen, and the glitchy electronic instrumental that guides this one out is oddly effective.

27: Out of the Woods - Taylor Swift
 
- We all knew it was coming. The song about Harry Styles, that is. But who knew it would be this great. It's production from Jack Antonoff is a mix of modern meets the 80s, with a synth guiding Swift's carefully delivered vocals. The bridge of this track, which recalls a hospital visit after a car accident, is the most likeable part of the song for me. The intensity picks up in both the vocal and instrumental department, and really just helps solidify this as one of the best pop songs of the year.

26: Too Far Gone - Sir Sly
 
- And to think I almost skipped out on hearing the new Sir Sly record. If I had, I would've missed this seemingly upbeat, yet very dark lyrical gem that speaks of one crying out to a loved one for help. It's reflective, as he ponders "Can I ever be too far gone for you to save me?". It's message is clear, it's guitar is catchy and smooth, and you will not want to miss this one.

25: Big Cheese - Bayside
 
- Pounding drums, guitar solos, and an awesome as usual vocal performance from Anthony Raneri. You do the math!

24: Let Go For Tonight - Foxes
 
-This is my ultimate let loose jam of 2014. It's all about forgetting all of the crap that drags you down, and letting go of your problems, if only for the night. It's a smart and well produced pop song, aka what we've come to expect from the lovely singer Foxes.

23: Chandelier - Sia
 
- Geez, this one tugs at the emotions. Sia gives one of the most beautiful performances of her career on "Chandelier", speaking of her alcohol abuse, and how's she's wasted so much time just getting by from one blurry night to the next. Add in a nice electronic beat, and a memorable writing style, and you've got yourself an emotive force to be reckoned with.

22: Flicker, Fade - Taking Back Sunday
 
- Taking Back Sunday have been around the block a few times, and they're still putting out some top notch material. Tell me you didn't love hearing guitarist John Nolan come in on the bridge and crush the vocals on this already high strung live wire of a tune. Every member stepped up big time for this, the lead single from their album Happiness Is.

21: Mother + Father - Broods
 
- This song struck a particular chord with me, because of how true the lyrics proved to be for me this year. I've temporarily moved away from the city I lived in all my life, and left all my friends and my parents behind. It's very emotive for me, and I love the voice this girl has. Plus they've got Joel Little, Lorde's producer, behind the helm, what could go wrong?

20: Close Your Eyes (And Count To Fuck) - Run the Jewels ft. Zack Dela Rocha
 
- Hip hop's most brash and exciting duo continued their winning streak in 2014, as MC's Killer Mike and El P dominate not only this highlight, but all of Run the Jewels 2. Zack Dela Rocha of Rage Against the Machine comes and crushes his verse on this fast paced track that's jam-packed with clever wordplay and fast flows.

19: Three Women - Jack White
 
- Nashville suited Jack White pretty damn well, if "Three Women" is any indication of his time spent there. He's got an upbeat folk leaning vibe going on here, as he describes the three women in question, where they live, and how he intends to keep them from finding out about each other. Damn it Jack, you might say a lot of stupid things, but sure know how to make good music.

18: Over - Tove Lo
 
- Tove Lo proved to be one of the most interesting names in the alternative pop world this year, but I still can not believe that her best work to date didn't make the cut for her debut. "Over" features one of the greatest hooks you could ever ask for, and the song as a whole really shows how talented she is as a songwriter.

17: Queen - Perfume Genius
 
- "No family is safe, when I sashay" Perfume Genius boldly declares on this delicately crafted cut from critically acclaimed album Too Bright. It's got charm, memorable key parts, and a mesmerizing vocal performance. I might not have loved everything about the album, but this song really sold me on the man's music.

16: Figure It Out - Royal Blood
 
- This brooding cut offers a little bit of build-up, and more payoff that you can handle. Seriously, Royal Blood unleashed their wrath in a major way on this

15: Water Fountain - Tune-Yards
 
- Easily the zaniest song on my list, "Water Fountain" has a special something that just will not let go of me. It's bright, somewhat simple, but snowballs in to something more complex? Is that the best way to describe it?

14: Do You - Spoon
 
- By some stroke of misfortune, I had never listened to Spoon until this year. The single "Do You" made a strong grab at me, with its nonchalant aura and sweet yet earnest vocals really selling this thing as one of the years best.

13: Prince Johnny - St. Vincent
 
- It's December. St. Vincent's self titled effort dropped in February? You're telling me you haven't heard this fantastic record yet?? "Prince Johnny" stood out to me as the best artistic piece from the LP, with it's somber guitar tone to match the lyrics that feel as if they're reflecting on a lost friendship, to me at least.

12: Let Me Down Gently - La Roux
 
- La Roux got that tropical vibe flowing on her fantastic new album, and "Let Me Down Gently" proves to be no exception. She proves that she's stellar at making a darker, less upbeat track, and at incorporating 80s synths and more organic instrumentation without spoiling her natural charm.

11: Paris - Magic Man
 
- If there's a rebound of the year award, it goes to "Paris", as I initially dismissed this one. Good thing I didn't continue passing it over, because this song proves why electronic leaning alternative group Magic Man deserve to be on your radar.

10: Right On, Frankenstein! - Death From Above 1979
 
- DFA hit back hard, reminding us that they went down, but they're sure as hell back up. Right On! lays it on the listener with a lot of heavy bass riffs, and the most fun instrumental on the new record. Garage dance-punk is really all I could think of to classify it as, so that will have to do. Once this song breaks down to it's rapid little strums, then brings back the vocals and drums, it should be obvious why I love this one so much.

9: Human Sadness - Julian Casablancas + the Voidz
 
- I go a lot more detail on my review of their album Tyranny, but I'll say this. Julian brought this out of nowhere and made one of the most astonishing and emotional cuts of 2014, something I don't think too many would have banked out. The Strokes material may be getting stale, but rest assured that this cut has everything you could want in its 11 minute run.

8: Shut Up + Dance - Walk the Moon

- Dance rock ecstasy. Get out on the floor and groove, because Walk the Moon whip out some of the most likable synth and guitar combos I've heard since the mid 2000's.

7: Every Other Freckle - Alt J
 
- Love can turn to an obsession for some, and it can be a good or a bad thing. I'm not here to decide which category Alt-J fall into with this offering, but I'm sure as hell tuned in to listen. "Every Other Freckle" is a magnificent piece of art, and its creators should be proud, no matter how weird it can get at parts.

6: Guilty All the Same (ft. Rakim) - Linkin Park
 
- Some songs put a smile on your face and light a fire in your heart. Not only the first time you hear the track, but with every listen that follows. "Guilty All the Same" does that for, and it's epic 6 minute run should contain the answers as to why.

5: I Blame Myself - Sky Ferreira
 
- Yes, this was on a 2013 record, but it was released as a single in June of this year, making it eligible for my list! Ferreira knows her way around a melody, with some clicking and bumpy synthesizers guiding this song carefully on its path to success. She sounds as vulnerable as she does powerful on the cut, which only furthers my appreciation for this majestic song.

4: Take Me To Church - Hozier
 
- Hozier sings this song so fervently, and so convincingly, that its hard for me and the rest of the world to pass up on. This man dedicates his passion to his possibly unfaithful lover, asking "take me to church, I'll worship like a dog at the shrine of your lies".

3: Out of the Black - Royal Blood 
 
- If you follow my content, then you're aware that I've got a thing for this hard rock group from the UK. This is the song that made me fall in love with their style, and this is the one that hit home with me the most through the year.

2: Dangerous - Big Data ft. Joywave
 
- That bass line is forever embedded in me. "Dangerous" was one of my first loves of the year, as I heard it for the first time right around New Year's Day. Immediately predicted it would be a smash, included Big Data in my artists to watch list, just like with Royal Blood, and here they are with a #1 alternative single under their belts. Listen to ARTV, and you can see the future. Maybe that should be my new tagline...

1: Ballast (This Is the Time) - Nothing More 

- Ocean Floor, the intro song that leads into this one HAS to get a shout out too. That build-up is immense, and the payoff is extremely rewarding. Nothing More are one of the most under-rated bands in the world of rock today. They've been making music for 10 years as a band, and I'll bet that you've never even heard of them! The reason "Ballast" tops my list is simple. No other tune rocked my world like this did. The ground shattering blasts of guitar, the anguished vocal performance from Jonny Hawkins, and the incredibly visceral and unique lyrics all helped seal the deal as well. How many rock bands out there are really trying to push the envelope with their lyrics, and push their listeners to think? Nothing More's self titled album is not one to miss, do yourself a favor and listen to the whole thing NOW.

The 25 WORST Songs of 2014 (ARTV)

Let's face the harsh facts. 2014 had some really crappy music. My name is Jon, I run the youtube channel ARTV Reviews and the side channel Beyond ARTV, and these are my picks for the 25 WORST songs of the year. Enjoy!
 


#25: Magic! - Rude

Rude became more and more insufferable with time, with its agonizing lyrics of a forbidden love, it's wanna-be reggae spirit, and a semi-awkward use of the word rude throughout the song. I mean... who really says rude that much anyways? Especially in the younger generation. Sure, we all know what it means, but would you say "why you gotta be so rude?" if a dad told you to stay away from his daughter?

#24: Beyonce ft. Jay-Z - Drunk In Love

We get it Beyonce. You're passionately in love with Jay-Z and your sex life hasn't died down even with a baby in the picture. That's no reason to make us listen to you making god awful innuendos about surf boards. I've never cared for Beyonce personally, but this new album is the most I've actively disliked her.

#23: Kid Ink ft. Chris Brown - Main Chick

DJ Mustard makes his first appearance on my list, (he's the producer, if you're unfamiliar) but I'll save some of my many gripes with him for later in the countdown. Trust me, I'll have plenty of opportunities. "Main Chick" is essentially a replication of the earlier single "Show Me". Both come from the same album, the same artists, and... you get the point. When you're that lazy, it's just a shame that people still continue to consume it. 

#22: Echosmith - Cool Kids
 

 
Echosmith aren't a talentless group, and I don't want you to think that's what I'm getting at. Hell, I enjoyed a few tunes from that Talking Dreams record. But here's the problem with their hit "Cool Kids". It's as bland and lifeless as you can get. The singer sounds emotionless as she forces out shitty lines we've all heard a million times like "I wish that I could be like the cool kids, cuz all the cool kids they seem to fit in." To add to it's woes, the instrumentation is flat and mundane. It's a shame that THIS is the song that took off for this group.




#21: Becky G - Shower
 


 Becky G is no stranger to my list, making an appearance on last year's Worst Songs of 2013 list. Besides the cringe worthy amounts of the word 'ya' and the horrible lyricism that feels like it was written by a 10 year old that's listened to nothing but teen love songs all her life, this song feels absolutely STALE. The instrumental isn't 'catchy' or memorable, which is probably why it had such a short lifespan on the charts. Looks like Becky's gonna need a shower to wash this stain off of her already sloppy career. 




#20: Future ft. Kanye West - I Won

  

While the rest of the world seemed to be focused on butts in 2014, Future and Kanye were too busy discussing trophies to even notice. Can somebody get me an exact count of how many times the word trophy was used in this recording? Future's auto-tuned vocals are obviously a huge minus, but add in a couple of grown men chatting like 4th graders about their 'trophies', aka their women, and you've got a terrible track on your hands. 

#19: Jeremih ft. YG - Don't Tell Em

SIGH. Why must we subjected to more of this? DJ Mustard, the official producer of YG, rears his ugly production once again on the smash hit "Don't Tell Em". Sound like several other songs you've heard this year? Yeah, that's what I thought. Educate yourself American. We're gonna keep getting dumb music unless we demand a change.






#18: Chris Brown ft. Lil Wayne & Tyga - Loyal

  

As Lil Wayne's career gets closer and closer to rock bottom, we get this collaboration with the foul mouthed, easily angered domestic abuser Chris Brown. It's clear the man hasn't changed at all, and if you believe all of the celebrity 'apologies' that happen, then you're naive. Granted, that has nothing do with the song, so I'll say this. You wanna hear a group of guys talking shit about women and say n***a for 4 minutes? Didn't think so. ON TO THE NEXT ONE!

#17: ILOVEMAKONNEN ft. Drake - Tuesday

People are actually loving this song. Should I be shocked? Probably not, but it's just another prime example of a mindless club song that somehow blew up. Will we ever hear from ILOVEMAKONNEN again? I highly doubt it, unless Drake decides to make this auto-tuned douchebag his new protege. Hopefully this dude's career takes a dive off a cliff, on a Tuesday. 






#16: Iggy Azalea ft. MØ - Beg For It

Copy and paste. That seems like the function of the year for rappers, and pop artists in general. Iggy Iggy had a huge hit with "Fancy", so why not re-release her album and include another one key at a time synth driven track with a different, yet somehow almost the same, pop artist to sing the chorus. Iggy thinks she's in control thanks to 'pussy power', her words not mine, and makes her man of choice beg for her attention. Is that really what the feminist movement is about? Withholding sex from your partner so that you get what you want? I hate the world sometimes, I really do.

#15: Pitfull ft. John Ryan - Fireball 

 

 Pitbull gets his western saloon style ready, and shoots and misses big time once again. It's no secret that I hate Pitbull and everything he stands for, so it's no surprise that one of his songs is making it's way on to my worst songs list. He said it himself, he doesn't put effort in to what he does. He keeps things purposely simplistic and downright dumb. I'll never respect any artist that basically looks at the music industry as a goldmine.




#14: Bobby Shmurda - Hot N***a



This isn't racist, it just needs to be said. Hell, even a few very respectable black men in power have said it. But when will younger black men stop thinking that a life of drinking, drugs, women, and drive-by's is the ultimate goal in life? If you watch the music video and listen to this song, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about. It's not just blacks OF COURSE, there are so many worthless white artists and artists of other races that feel the exact same way. This year, it just happened to be Bobby Shmurda that made the song that got me pissed off. Strive for something more, and that goes out to all the artists on this list. 


#13: Rae Sremmurd - No Flex Zone

 This is the point in making this list where I really start getting frustrated. the fact that the rest of these songs are just so OFFENSIVELY bad. On "No Flex Zone", we get to listen to some no name teen talk a huge game, say a bunch of things that kids just shouldn't be saying, and not hit puberty. Can't wait to see where this guy ISN'T 5 years down the road.

#12: Jason Derulo ft. 2 Chainz - Talk Dirty

Jason Derulo went from making "heartfelt" love jams to a bunch of songs about sex rather quickly. And for some mind-boggling reason, that's proven to be an extremely successful move for his career that was starting to lose traction. 2 Chainz comes and delivers a laughable as usual verse, and then the honking and clunky chorus rolls back around to remind us that a song CAN be annoying in every facet of its existence. 

#11: Will.i.am ft. Miley Cyrus - Feelin' Myself

This track came out slightly too late to make last year's countdown, so you better believe I put on on this year's, if for nothing but to make an example of it. By now we all know that DJ Mustard is fucking terrible, and it's a given that will.i.am doesn't fall far behind. Put the 2 on a track together and throw in some laughable guest appearance from Miley Cyrus, Wiz Khalifa, and (gag) French Montana, and you've got something terrible on your hands. Will.i.am had about as much to do with this song as a bro-country artist does with writing his/her songs. That means almost none, get with the program people!

 #10: Meghan Trainor - All About That Bass

I went on a rant about this song not all that long ago, and for, I believe, very good reason. Okay, say I can look past this song's childish nature, it's annoying vocal presentation, and writing. It's the LYRICS and Trainor's personality that irk me to no end. As I said in my rant, she essentially discredits a healthy lifestyle, shames skinny "bitches" (we all know you aren't kidding when you say it like that), and further promotes the mindset that we're all inherently wonderful. Bullshit. You have to work every day to better yourself, and anyone who thinks otherwise is simply wrong. Some people who are overweight can't help it. It doesn't make you a bad person if you are. But facts are facts. Obesity is a PROBLEM and unless you want to put yourself at risk for heart disease and a long list of other problems, maybe you should take advice from your doctor rather than Meghan fucking Trainor.



#9: Ty Dollar Sign ft. The Weeknd & Wiz Khalifa - Or Nah

Is we turning this awful collaboration that's all about asking for sex and degrading women off, or nah? Rappers, please stop making songs based on vine trends, you know no one will ever really respect you. Tupac would be rolling over in his grave if he knew what the mainstream "rap" genre has come to.

#8: Nicki Minaj - Anaconda


If Tupac was rolling in his grave for that last song, then he's doing summer-salts from this abomination from Nicki Minaj. And the worst part about it? There's still 7 songs that I feel are even worse than this nightmare of a tune. It borrows from Sir-Mix-A-Lot's "Baby Got Back", and is all about butts and "anacondas", which is apparently supposed to be be a clever disguise for male genitalia. It's not. Minaj is supposedly a feminist, yet she raps about sex nonstop, and talks of how she let some random dude fuck her because he sold cocaine. THIS is your role model teenage girls? REALLY? If being a drug dealer is attractive to you, then you need to re-evaluate your entire life. I hate Minaj, I despise this song, and if you like good music, I'm sure you feel the same way.  




#7: Jason Derulo ft. Snoop Dogg - Wiggle

  

The hook on this song is played with a recorder. It's another song about butts. The lyrical content doesn't even try to be clever, and the production will make you want to rip your hair out ever time you're in a friends car, and they don't change the station when this comes on the radio.

#6: Fergie - LA Love (La La)

Fergie is finally back as a solo artist, not that anyone was demanding it, and she's proved with this new song that... she went to elementary school. Fergie goes down an agonizingly long list of cities and countries, and tells them all to say "la la la la la". Fuck you Fergie. For making this absolutely horrid track, that would be horrible no matter who produced it. But you just HAD to throw some salt in the wound and throw Mustard on the beat, hoe.

#5: Jennifer Lopez ft. Iggy Azalea 

 

This is a PSA for Jennifer Lopez. Iggy, you can feel free to listen in as well. Jennifer, you're 45 years old, acting like a rebellious teen with daddy issues. You made an entire song about "booty" because that's what's popular this year. I hope you feel good about yourself, for being a mindless slave to trends because you don't feel like your music could sell anymore without some sort of gimmick, and for the example you're setting for not only your kids, but for kids all over the world. Keep your clothes on kids, please.




#4: Play-N-Skillz ft. Lil Jon, Redfoo, & Enertia McFly - Literally I Can't

The makers of this song came under a LOT of fire after releasing this misogynistic party jam that centers around telling frat girls to "shut the fuck up". They quickly said "oh it's a joke please don't take this the wrong way!". Riiiiight. This song is PAINFUL to listen to. I only managed to make it all the way through twice, and that was just so I could reassure how high it would chart on this list. 

PS, Lil Jon, you're over 40. Maybe it's time to stop hanging out at college parties. 

#3: Big Sean ft. E-40 - I Don't Fuck With You 

 
 Big Sean attempts to get revenge on an ex-girlfriend by making the worst wanna-be anthem of the year. What a clever lyricist you are, Big Sean. Writing lines like "I don't fuck with you, you lil stupid ass bitch, I ain't fuckin' with you". Wow, what a mature way to handle a breakup. Doesn't at all sound like a 4th grader that just learned to curse making a song! And thank the lord DJ Mustard came in to save the day to make sure the beat sounded like every other generic piece of shit on the radio, phew! 
...I hope everyone's sarcasm detectors are going off big time, for the record.




#2: Fifth Harmony - Bo$$


Fifth Harmony tries to channel the attitude and glamour of earlier girl groups like The Pussycat Dolls and Destiny's Child, but fall so flat on their faces that they create a black hole of suck...suction I mean. Suction so powerful that I was almost convinced I had slipped into an alternate universe where only the most contrived and idiotic music exists; a place full of Fifth Harmony and their constant references to Michelle Obama, because apparently she's the only woman with any power in this country. I slipped back into reality and realized that I was the one in control of the play button, therefore the boss. I immediately shut down the song, and never listened again. THE END.


#1: Gwen Stefani - Spark the Fire


Gwen, sweetheart, you're having a mid-life crisis. Adding a bunch of weird animation to your music video and sing-rapping about starting fires doesn't make you any less of a 45 year old woman. This song leaked the last week of November, and I couldn't believe what I was hearing. It's been almost 10 years since Stefani put out a solo LP, and after hearing lead single "Baby Don't Lie" from her comeback album, I was wishing that her solo career had stayed dormant. But no, Gwen had to spark things up, and put out not only the worst song of 2014, but possibly one of the worst songs I've ever heard from a mainstream artist. I cringe as Gwen chants "Hey get off my cloud", with Pharrell Williams shouting pointless obscurities in the background of the song. If the point of this song is to get played at the club at 2AM when everyone is so wasted that they don't even know what they're listening to, then mission accomplished. If this was an honest attempt at making a pop song, then let's break this thing down. You've got a horrible instrumental, complete with messy synths and bass, some of the worst songwriting I've ever seen, speaking of "Omg omg and LOL's", and an overall desperate feeling that sees Stefani clamoring to stay relevant by using lots of slang and abbreviations to target herself at the teenage demographic. Go home Gwen Stefani, you're not just drunk, you've lost your mind.